Please give me some good advice!!!?

Growing up, I was kind of the runt of my family, so it was understandable that as soon as I was an adult, I was expected to go make it on my own. When I had first taken on my independence, things were ok. I scavenged for what I could find, and made do with what I had. I then went to college, hoping to make a better life for myself. I was so happy and confident when I graduated, that I went to conquer what I had never conquered before. With my absorbent student loans, however, all I could really obtain in capital was a large line of credit through ACME. Using their quality products, I have made it my mission to finally have the finest cuisine of cuisine. The meat of a tender roadrunner. I couldn't have underestimated the intelligence of this bird anymore than I had, though. It seems that no matter what I do, I end up getting blown up, falling off a cliff, running into a random cactus, or any combination of the aforementioned. Please just give me some advice how to properly hunt this elusive bird. My hospital bills are mounting, and all I have is my credit through ACME. Thank you!